What We Learned
by Braco Boy
Summary: God bless Twilight and the many life lessons it taught us.


I'm going to be completelty honest to you reader. Some of what you are going to read is/will/ might offend you. But hey, some of these things I took very seriously. This is more than just me making fun of something now, this is me attempting to prove something. Consider this one of my half-parodies (like Crack Love and Familiar, Isn't it?) For the best results, just read the bolded sentences all the way through, then go back to read my opinion as to why this is so. Remember; this is a parody nonetheless and should not be taken seriously. However, if you are not a fan of this series then take it seriously. Take it very seriously. Hell, tell me anything else that should be added to this list.

Enjoy.

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What Twilight taught us;

1. **If you sparkle as a vampire then you don't have to worry about your personality having to**. Trust me; shining as if your body is covered in several layer of oil is good enough. Everyone will be so focused upon this that they'll pay little or no attention to your bland personality.

2. **Women are stupid by nature and are incapable of caring for themselves without a man watching over them constantly.** Bella screamed all night long, saw Edward wherever she went, cries every time he steps out of their five inch boundary, and is incapable of even wiping herself without Edward's say so. She chooses him over a good education and normal life. She picks his nonexistent personality over Jacob's, and gets married and has his kid right out of high school. That's not love; that's the author oppressing women.

3. **Native Americans can transform.** Brother Bear was right! Thank you Disney!

4. **Don't bother trying to be persistent at a difficult task, a huge plot convenience is sure to come your way and fix it up for you.** Like the local Native American tribe being able to turn into giant wolves. And imprinting. And never ageing. And being able to read minds. And being able to smell vampires.

5. **There is nothing wrong with Pedophilia.** I can't think of anything to back this one up…

6.** Men fall in love with women who appear to have hardly any common sense.** Edward fell in love with a girl who gets into accident more than a baby with Down syndrome. Need I say more?

7. **Washington is full of emos**. And apparently so is the world of the twilight fan girls.

8. **Mormons believe in vampires**. But they don't believe in actually trying to write something decent. Not even her other story was something I'd put an ounce of effort to read into.

9. **Any characters close to third dimensional will be minor and will have no important usage within the storyline.** Just look at…err, what were their names again?

10. **A good plot isn't everything**. Just read one of the four books.

11. **A good story isn't everything either**. Read sentence above.

12. **Hell, good characters aren't even needed to make a best seller**. Look up.

13. **Rinse, re-use, and repeat**. Nobody will notice the unoriginality and the hashed out remains of what could be best called a plot.

14. **Vampires have babies.** Despite everything else shutting down in the process of transformation, the males reproductive system will remarkably remain intact. He will still produce semen, sperm, and all the necessary vitamins to keep them alive despite the fact that his body no longer consumes the necessary vitamins needed to create such, and despite his body being too cold to even keep said sperm alive and functioning well. Even if Edward did have what it takes to create life, the child would be messed up anyways since his body is lacking in several nutrients…you know, because he drinks blood? Even better, I still have to wear a condom every time I have sex-even as a vampire! (Doth my ears deceive me? I hear bullshit!)

15. **Werewolves can have perfectly normal babies…and so can their kids?** Jacob mentions that he had a different amount of chromosomes in his body because he can transform into a wolf. If Stephanie paid any attention in her science classes, she would have known that the tribe in the twilight series would have died out long ago. Why? Because if the males of the tribe transform and have a different amount of chromosomes, then you'll end up having a child with a odd number of chromosomes. Even if it were even, their children would still be sterile. The wolf gene would never pass on- and therefore making Jacobs whole exsistance a huge plot hole. Hell, it makes imprinting and even bigger plot hole since it suggests that imprinting will result in children with the wolf gene. Somebody needs to actually think before just writing a bunch of stuff that sounds cool.

16. **It only takes a few months to have a vampire baby.** Proven fact; the faster a fetus forms means the lower it is on the food chain. An elephant takes two year, we take nine months, a dog takes anywhere from two to three, and a mouse takes about a few weeks. I don't even need to go deep into discussion as to why this is stupid.

17. **It takes about three years for a vampire child to grow up.** Once again; the faster an animal grows and matures means it's lower on the food chain. A human takes thirteen years to reach sexual maturity, eighteen for physical maturity, and twenty five for mental maturity. You do the math.

18. **Drinking human blood** (while you're pregnant) **will not have any negative effect on your body.** Humans don't drink blood for a reason. If she drank human blood for as long as the book said she did Bella would be shit out of luck. All the salt, sugar, and toxins would have lead her to the brink of kidney failure, and that's assuming she drank blood from a healthy human donor. Cannibalism would have been more believable.

19. **Tricking the reader into believing there will be a fight scene, but then flip them off and not put a fight scene is A-ok**! Seriously…did she just give up? Did she realize how stupid this was and not even try to put in a fight scene? Was she being lazy? Is she not the talented writer that she claims to be that she cannot pull off a decent fight scene? Nobody cares about long boring speeches or conversations dammit.

20. **Girls cannot maneuver their way through a forest**. Not all trees look the same Bella. You know the way you took to get to said destination? Just take that road back; it's not that hard.

21. **Breaking up is the end of the world**. Women are not that helpless. Why does Stephanie Meyer insist otherwise?

22. **Blondes are dumb**. Fuck you Jacob. I take that to offence.

23. **Drinking blood from an animal will turn your eyes gold.** Every other vampire book follows the common law of what a vampire does…except this one. There are a few that say drinking blood will turn your eyes red, but gold/amber? Really? One can debunk this theory by stating that, although food does affect the color of melanin, it shouldn't affect you to suck a level where your eyes turn amber/gold. But then I'd be debunking the red eye theory…and that's one of the few bright sides of Twilight. At least it can follow one rule.

24.** Vampires sparkle.** Only in this series will you come across vampire-disco ball hybrids.

25. **Having the same facial expression will result in a ton of girls flocking to you**. Watch the first movie and stop at the scene where you meet the Cullen's. You see their faces? They'll have the same facial expression pasted on them all four movies-you can count on it.

26. **College is for losers**. Then I'm just wasting my money now, aren't I?

27. **Vampires contain an acid in their eyes that is so corrosive and strong it can melt away contacts**. Does one even need to point out the flaws in that?

28. **Sex feels even better when you're dead.** Despite your skin being dead and lacking the sensitivity it once had. Sure…that works. How on earth a guy gets an erection is a wonder to me? Don't you need to be alive and have a blood flow to do that?

29. **Drinking animal blood makes you a vegetarian.** Look up the definition of the word and tell me what exactly makes the Cullen's eco friendly eaters.

30. **Stephanie Meyer is a genius.** The very fact that she pulled off a Mary sue as an Original character is something that should be recognized as talent. Not many people can pull that off. (It doesn't take a genius to see that twilight is her giant fantasy of love come alive)

31. **A change of the first person makes a story more interesting.** It doesn't matter whether Jacob, Bella, Edward, your mom, or anyone tell me what's going on-my IQ will drop at the same rate it's been dropping.

32. **People would not notice a group of vampires or giant wolves running around a town**. Seriously; in a word where people discover elements, new planets, new species of microorganisms, it would be retarded to think nobody would have noticed that there are six vampires roaming the streets. Humans are curious by nature; they would actually have to try to ignore the obvious facts. In other stories, people looked out for vampires, in this one people just try their best to not notice the obvious proof smacking them in the face.

33. **Imprinting is true "love at first sight". **Go read number fifteen and pay close attention to the last sentence.

34.** Vampires have special powers**. Ok, I've read many stories where the vampire would be able to read minds or feel what others feel, and I have no qualms with this in the Twilight series. It's everything else. Vampires are not super heroes with super powers ok? They still have human shaped bodies and doing things like walking up wall or flying or using elements is something they just can't do. Run fast? Yes. Cause pain by simply staring at someone in the face? No.

(And now we hit the better ones...)

35. **Bella and Edward are proof that true love exists**. Between autistics. When and where did these two fall in love again? For a couple that spends half their time running from the bad guys, arguing with each other, making each other feel miserable…wait, on second thought, yes. This is what love is…at least, that's what its like for half of us In real life.

36. **Edward just wants to protect Bella from harm**. So he pushes her out of the way so Jasper doesn't bite her, only to crash into a shit load of other things. Just bite her already!

37. **Edward does whatever he can to show Bella he loves her**. Like leaving Forks and causing her to go into a neverending panic attack. Or just not telling her she pretty every five seconds, causing her to go into a state of shock and then into a murderous ramage.

38. **Bella's mature for her age.** Yeah, sure, you keep telling yourself that. The mature thing to do is to not date the guy who causes you to experience near death experiances ever other chapter. Date the guy who gives you flowers and compliments you on your style of clothing. Jeezus.

39. **Renesmee is mature for her age and understands Jacob..blah blah blah**. Let me just say...that if I had the choice between raising a normal baby or raising one like Nessie; I'd choose the normal human baby any day. I don't even like kids.

40. **Everyone will find their true love and live happily ever after**. Edward has his accident prone retard, Jacob has a six year old turning twenty, and everyone else has their poorly placed love as well. To best summarize the story; suck it.

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And this is why "no child should be left behind." Reviews and flames, since I'm sure I've angered masses, are and will be appreciated. I'll respond to them no matter what form they take.


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